Poly isn’t for Everyone, 10 Tips for Reigniting Passion in your Monogamous Relationship

Being in a relationship for a long time can most certainly stir up different feelings. At times you might find yourself doubting your relationship and it’s future. Maybe you feel there’s no more passion or excitement and all that’s left are frustrations. You might even catch yourself fantasizing of another partner or partners, which by the way, is normal and quite healthy according to Ian Kerner a New York sex counselor and published author, but we’ll get to that later.

First, let’s be clear: Polyamory – the act of having multiple romantic relationships with consent of all those involved – has become more accepted and understood in recent times. When done well, poly amorous relationships have just as much success as monogamous relationships! They require trust, communication and commitment, just as monogamous relationships do, and can be a positive arrangement for all involved. Here is an EXCELLENT blog about what it is and what it’s not, I highly encourage you to check it out! 🙂 What is Polyamory and What Polyamory Isn’t

However It’s important to realize that “opening” a current, unhappy monogamous relationship is not a cure for relational problems, and in fact in can be a terminal diagnosis for an already weak relationship. I hear stories along these lines quite often, often enough for me to write this blog!

One particular story, a while back a gentlemen attempted to keep his marriage from falling apart. He said that his wife admitted to him she had become bored with their marriage as if she was falling out of love with him, so he decided in order to save it all they needed was to “spice things up.” His solution was to bring in his best friend to the relationship. Long story short, it didn’t save their marriage and he moved out a couple of months later.

There are many other ways to try to reignite the passion in your relationship, without bringing other people into the equation! Here are some tips:

  1. Date yourself. – Always be sure to take care of yourself first and stop feeling guilty about it! The most important thing you can do is make sure you de-stress, keep up on your hygiene, exercise, eat well, do things that make YOU feel pretty and sexy. There are so many opportunities for fun and intimacy, but when you’re feeling tired, bloated, in pain, etc you’re not going to take those opportunities. Plus taking care of yourself creates happiness overall; it sets you up to focus and be present in the moment and how your partner makes you feel.
  2. Get educated. – No you don’t have to go back to school or take a sexuality class online! I’m talking ask questions to your health care provider. There are a lot of things that affect our bodies and how excited we get with our partner. Read a book! I have a whole list of wonderful books! Some are funny some are serious jam-packed with information and some have a combination of the two! Check back because I’ll publish my list soon! 🙂
  3. Explore your body – Get to know your body, experiment with different erogenous zones on your body. As we age and experience different things our bodies change and so does our preference to different stimulation. What worked for you before might not work for you now. Try using a bedroom accessory to help with the exploration process. There are all kind of different types of bedroom accessories, so if you need help picking one out for you check out this guide: How to Choose the Best Vibrator for You
    You might even be comfortable exploring with your partner later on!
  4. Date your partner – I’m not talking about going out to dinner weekly to the same old place, the same old-time and the same bat channel! I’m talking about scheduling time with your partner so you can be intimate without the sex part. This is time to have fun with your partner! It doesn’t have to be at a restaurant, it could be you locking the bedroom door for 45min and you playing a card game on the bed! Here are a few ideas for some awesome Date Nights: 43 Date Night Ideas
  5. Communicate – Communication is the number one key in a long-term relationship that and touch! No matter how well you know your partner you are NOT a mind reader. Each individual thinks and perceives things differently and misunderstandings can lead to a lot of frustrations. If you need help check out your local couples counseling! Those are the experts to teach you ways to communicate with your partner!
  6. Try something new – There are so many fun and exciting new things to add to your relationship just between the two of you. You can merely have sex in a new and exciting place and time of day like meeting up at a hotel during lunch breaks, do something spontaneous like play hookie and head to the beach or lakeside for a couple of hours, role-playing, reading erotica novels together, exploring with bedroom accessories, bondage, etc…
  7. Fantasize – Women’s brains are the largest sex organ in our entire body, which means it must arrive first before the rest of the body is ready for any type of action; further even, stimulation and “turn-ons” are different for every single individual. What’s hot for you may not be hot for your partner, so being able to fantasize and focus on your own turn-ons, not only helps with the psychological aspect to sex, but can really create an amazing and thrilling moment between you and your partner. If you would like more information about fantasy check out Ian Kerner’s book: Come as You Are.
  8. Reflect – New relationships are so thrilling and fun! Think about those things, what were some things you did for your partner that they loved when you very first started dating? Can you recreate those experiences?
  9. Take a vacation alone – this has several benefits! Alone time can give you time to reflect and regenerate your own energy. Gives you time to do the self-care things, I mentioned earlier without the judgement of someone else. It also interrupts the routine, “wakes you up” in a sense and you start to become aware of the things you love most about your partner, the things that make you feel incomplete without them.
  10. See your partner at their highest – This is more of a psychology technique. If you are constantly frustrated with your partner or dreading being with them then try changing those thoughts. Make a list of everything you like and love about them and start paying attention to those things. In the morning say to yourself 3 new things you’re thankful for about them do this for at least 21 days and you’ll see a significant turn around!


Be happy; feel sexy!

Vanessa Bonham

P.S. If work, kids, life is getting in the way of being intimate with your partner try “time blocking” and scheduling tasks that relate to each other in “chunks”, for example: instead of going down the to-do list: check emails, start laundry, check Facebook, go to work, do dishes, reply to emails… (sound familiar? ;)) Schedule yourself in chunks: online time, work time, then household chore time. When you go back and forth between different types of tasks it keeps you from getting “on a roll”. Remember to set a timer for each chunk! Would you like more tips to making time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you?  CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

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