Toys as Tools, Take Your Pick

Sex, masturbation and the use of bedroom accessories are still quite taboo, Continue reading

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Taking Care of Your Vaulva! 


Rinse with water regularly… 🙂

It’s seriously that simple. How cool is that? 🙂 Rinse with water regularly… so that means no need to use  Summer eve sensitive wash, or that organic/special hypoallergenic soap (and in some cases those actually cause bad odors. Check out this article if you’re concerned Really Though-Why Does My Vagina Smell?), it also means stop feeling self-conscious about your level of cleanliness, stop worrying about your odor unless it’s different from YOUR norm and start  focusing on other things like: getting consistent checkups, being aware of what “norm” is to you, eating and exercising right; because, those are the real things to prioritize.

I’ve heard so many crazy-out-there things for vaginal hygiene, luckily they are few and far between. One time I even heard of someone actually teaching to stick a tampon-soaked in yogurt-into the vaginal canal and letting it sit… whaaaat! Please don’t do that!!! In fact please keep all foods away from the vagina. Yogurt has A LOT of sugar in it and anything with sugar introduced to the vaginal canal causes yeast infections.

I will tell you, there’s one thing I do hear quite often and there seems to be some confusion of when and how often, so if you didn’t already know, and I say this with the up-most love, compassion and care for happy vaginas: DO NOT DOUCHE!!! Like ever! Not even once a year. The only time douching is okay is when your healthcare provider prescribes it during very specific treatments. It may be tempting, but you’re not just “cleaning” out the vaginal canal. You’re destroying the delicate balance of pH and good bacteria! And did you know, it also makes you vulnerable to infection and other nasty things, so for the sake of happy vaginas just rinse with water! You can even use a detachable shower head to, you know, get all those crevices extra well… 😉

Last thing, if you’re a woman who has a significant amount of discharge, which btw is actually a good thing and if you don’t believe me check this out Catitide and Co, you can use a warm damp cloth to wipe away any excess in between the labia or around the clitoral hood, but never inside the vaginal canal. Our bodies are incredible, especially the vagina! It’s literally a self cleaning machine, so just leave it be. :)!

So there you have it, the ever so complicated way to take care of your vulva! Rinse with water regularly!  😉

Be happy, feel sexy,

Vanessa Bonham


P.S. Now that you’re feeling better about your vulva hygiene, are you making time to be intimate with your partner? Would you like more tips on how to make time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you?  CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

Again, CLICK HERE to subscribe!

Want to stay connected, check out the Talk Flirt with Vanessa Bonham Facebook Group to get other extra fun stuff too!😉

Phenomenal Books About Relationships

Here is my recommended list of books for your relationship goals!

  • Between The Sheets by Patty Brisben – This book is jam packed with tons of wonderful information! Any situation your in she talks about it and gives you great insight all in story form.Whether you’re single, been in a long term relationship for 30+ years, this is for you, she even has a section about intimacy after chemotherapy.
  • She Comes First by Ian Kerner – This book is all about women’s orgasm and an oral guide. It’s cool and funny and just like Between the sheets it’s jam packed full of information, but specific to this topic. It’s a fabulous read for both you and your partner!
  • Tickle Your Fancy by Dr Sadie Allison – This author is HILARIOUS and actually I recommend all her “Tickle” books! The illustrations are even better! This particular book is all about women! What we like, what we don’t like and is the perfect one to highlight or dog ear then leave in the bathroom for him to find because you know he’s gonna read it! 😉
  • 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman – if you want to know how to show your partner that you love them and every attempt prior to this, seems to be an epic fail, then this book is for you! It’s probably because your love languages are completely different, this book helps you learn about how to treat your partner and how you like to be treated.
  • Train Your Brain by Dana Wilde– I recommend this book to everyone because mindset is key to everything. If you can train your brain you can “train other people’s brain”!
  • The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin – Oh my gosh!!! This book is FABULOUS! I love the way Gretchen Rubin writes; she is so relateable! She takes you on her journey, she goes through each type of relationship ie with herself, her husband, parenting, etc… As she learns so do you!  I could read this book a thousand times!
  • How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie – this is an “old-school” book and typically meant for business owners, but I came to realize you can get pretty much anything you want with anyone including your partner just by practicing what he has to teach.
  • Boundaries – this is a FABULOUS book about you and your time and owning it, which also means maintaining healthy relationships. It’s extremely Christian based, so if that’s your thang or if its not your thang, but you can read “past” it, then this book is great for you! I highly recommend this one if you’re in a relationship or multiple relationships that take advantage of you and your time. 🙂

Be happy; feel sexy!

Vanessa Bonham


P.S. Now that you have a ton of awesome books to read (or listen to ;)) Remember to keep in mind your time especially making time for intimacy with your partner! Would you like more tips to making time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you?  CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

Again, CLICK HERE to subscribe!

Want to stay connected, check out the Talk Flirt with Vanessa Bonham Facebook Group to get other extra fun stuff too! 😉

Safe Way to Anal Play

Yes, anal play can most certainly be erotic and fun! And yes it’s become quite common in the bedroom, in fact 1 in 4 people engage in anal play and keep in mind that anal play doesn’t have to be full on penetration either (like I’m sure some of you have seen in porn). Anal play can also be, you’ve heard it before, “just the tip” and even just vibration or light pressure around the opening, it all counts! 😉

For a woman, nerve endings stretch from the tip of the clitoris all the way to the anus. So say it accidentally was touched and you *gasp* liked it, have no fear you’re not crazy-kinky, it’s the nerve endings! I really encourage you to explore because, as long as it’s done correct, there’s a few benefits i.e. if you use an anal toy, it will press on the vaginal wall which creates the “tighter” feeling which then also means you can feel your partner more, (no that doesn’t mean you should put away the BenWa balls and stop doing your Kegel exercises)!

Now for men, the nerve endings stretch from the tip of the penis all the way to the anus. Again, if it’s been accidentally touched and he liked it, it’s OKAY! His sexual orientation has nothing to do with liking anal play, it’s only those lovely nerve endings! Further, men have something called a prostate and when stimulated, it can intensify his orgasm. Side note: consistently massaging his prostate is extremely healthy  because it’ll lower the risk of some types of prostate cancer! (I can already see the smiles forming on the ladies faces! haha!)

Okay so remember when I told you that 1 in 4 people engage in anal? Well 61% of them say they experience pain which tells me most are engaging in anal play are doing it wrong! Anal play should not be painful! Let me repeat that, anal play should not be painful!

SO!  If you’re feeling pain and just doing it anyway please refrain and check out what I’m about to tell you. If you felt pain in the past and swore it off, please check out what I’m about to tell you! And if you are curious about anal play, but have no idea what you’re doing check out what I’m about to say. If you’ve explored before and anal play is just not for you, no worries! Everyone is different and what works for one person may not work for the other, so I encourage to check out one of my other blogs instead!

#1 RELAXATION, COMMUNICATION AND LUBRICATION – Before even starting you must have the conversation with your partner about this and what your expectations and rules are especially when it comes to the word “STOP” which doesn’t mean pull out as fast as possible nor does it mean keep going, it means stop where they are!

Start the session off by relaxing your body! Do what you have to: have a glass of wine (not too many glasses though and remember alcohol tends to dry the vaginal canal), start the evening with a sexy soothing full body message, have a vaginal or clitoral orgasm first (because orgasms relax the entire body), what ever it is that will allow you to relax.

Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t create its own lubrication, so a great quality silicone based lubricant is a MUST when it comes to anal play! This one component can literally make or break your experience!

#2 Skip the doggy style position and start by spooning – most people get the idea that the only way to engage in anal play is to position in doggy style and this is mostly due to the fact that a lot of people are getting their education from porn (please go to a local Pure Romance party if this is you and you are female!) Instead try a spooning position, it’s much more relaxing and your body fits together much better that way, like a puzzle! 😉

#3 Front to back never back to front! For the sake of keeping happy vaginas and avoiding infection, make sure you never engage in vaginal sex immediately after anal play or use a condom during anal play and take it off afterward.

Be happy; feel sexy!

Vanessa Bonham


P.S. Now that you have the know how, what about the time? If you’re having trouble being intimate with your partner because of time try “time blocking” and scheduling tasks that relate to each other in “chunks”, for example: instead of going down the to-do list: check emails, start laundry, check Facebook, go to work, do dishes, reply to emails… (sound familiar? ;)) Schedule yourself in chunks: online time, work time, then household chore time. When you go back and forth between different types of tasks it keeps you from getting “on a roll”. Remember to set a timer for each chunk! Would you like more tips to making time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you?  CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

Again, CLICK HERE to subscribe!

Want to stay connected, check out the Talk Flirt with Vanessa Bonham Facebook Group to get other extra fun stuff too!

 

You mean I have options for lubricants?

Absolutely! There are so many types of lubricants out there; ones for different body types and others for different situations like water play, getting pregnant, etc! So this is your guide to picking out the best lubricant(s) for YOU!

First and foremost, always buy lubricants with high quality ingredients that means skip buying your lubricant from the grocery store! Now that we have THAT taken care of, let’s go over the different types of lubricants available to you and what they are designed for.

Everyday lubricants are meant for sex.  Please note, there are different types of sex other than penile-vaginal, but that’s what we’re going to talk about here. Some everyday lubricants are flavored, but most aren’t. Everyday lubricants create a barrier between you and your partner/product and protect you from getting any fissure tears. Fissure tears happen when there’s friction goin’ on directly to the soft delicate tissue that lines the vaginal wall, some refer to it (and excuse my language) as “raw doggin’ it.” If you feel a burning sensation when you go to the bathroom post sex, those are fissure tears and you may need an everyday lubricant! The other amazing thing that everyday lubricants do, is enhance the nerve endings in the vaginal canal which means it increases pleasure for you! SO! It decreases pain and increases pleasure, um heck yes! Check out this video from Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. about vaginal lubrication: Why Don’t I Get Wet When I’m Turned On.

● Water based lubricants – are the most basic everyday lubricant. Water-based lubricants are meant to soak up into the vaginal tissue to help with self lubrication. High grade ones are pH balanced, so are great for the most sensitive women or women who don’t want their partner to know they’re using a lubricant; because it will feel exactly like normal. Water-based lubricants have a unique quality to them: after it soaks into the tissue use a little water and it will “re-wet” itself. Pretty cool, huh!

● Silicone based everyday lubricants – have a much silky, slippery feel to them. The molecules are too big to soak into the skin so it lasts a really long time, great for bedroom marathons! It’s also not water-soluble so the perfect lubricant for water play i.e. in the shower, bathtub, Jacuzzi. 😉 Silicone based lubricants are great to use for anal play as long as you’re not also using a silicone toy. The lubricants will break down the material, cause niches in the toy which can grow bacteria and ultimately cause long-term damage to you!

● Synthetic silicone based everyday lubricants – have the silky feel that a silicone based lubricant has, but feels much thicker. These types of lubricants are great to use with toys without damaging them! If you’re a sensitive woman or your partner is sensitive to “creamy” lubricants then this is a great alternative to use with c-rings and sleeves!

Foreplay lubricants – these are very distinctive and add a lot of fun to the bedroom; however, that’s the thing… they are only meant for fun, they are NOT designed to protect your vagina. Foreplay lubricants are not to be used like an everyday lubricant (any of the above lubricants I described are considered “everyday lubricants”) Last thing before I go the different types: know that lubricants containing any type of oil will break down a condom.

● Warming lubricants do exactly what it sounds like. You place it on an erogenous zone i.e. nipples, penis, etc then the faster you rub the hotter it gets, if you want it even hotter, try giving it your sexy breath and it will send it over the top! Though the ingredients of warming lubricants are safe for the vaginal canal, you still should avoid it because penile to vaginal penetration causes friction and friction is what creates the warmth, so I guess what I’m trying to say is you want it to feel warm not burning! 😉

● Creamy lubricants are typically flavored, feel like lotion and are designed for c-rings, sleeves and various other couples toys that are placed around the shaft of a penis. You can also use these type of lubricants for a sensual massage, or place on areas that you would like to give oral action.

Now let’s go over different situations and scenarios where you might want a certain type of lubricant.

Post hysterectomy or menopause – estrogen comes from women’s ovaries; there is a direct link between estrogen and vaginal lubrication. After a hysterectomy and menopause there’s typically a significant decrease in estrogen which typically means vaginal dryness and thinning of vaginal tissue. Try using a water-based lubricant, it’s PH balance and will soak into the vaginal tissue and help self lubrication.

Trying to conceive  – creating a great environment for sperm to live in for the whole 7 day life span is great. There are quite a few rumors that claim lubricants have spermicide in them; however, most don’t they just don’t provide the absolute best environment. The most recommended and highly rated lubricant when trying to conceive is called Pre-Seed

Post chemotherapy – It is recommended to start out with a water-based lubricant because it’s designed for the most sensitive of women, it’s PH balanced and it’s a great place to start anyway because going through any type of change in you body always sends our sexuality spinning in crazy directions, so know that its okay however you feeling. It is highly recommended to be in constant contact with your health care provider and be involved with others going through the same body changes.

Anal play – The number one thing to know about anal play is that the area doesn’t lubricate itself and therefore should ALWAYS use a lubricant, specifically a silicone-based lubricant (unless you’re using a toy then you should use a silicone-safe lubricant that isn’t water-based. I recommend Simply Silk because I know it’s designed specifically for silicone-based toys) Did you know that 1 in 4 people engage in anal play? And about 40% of them report a significant amount of pain. That’s sufficient evidence to conclude people are probably engaging in this activity in a harmful way. There are a lot of nerve endings in the anus which can make it quite pleasurable; however, you always need to remember 3 things: LUBRICATION, relaxation, and communication! If you want to know more about anal play check back on this blog later and/or check out Tickle My Tush by Dr Sadie Allison!

Be happy; feel sexy!

Vanessa Bonham


P.S. Now that you know how to make sex more pleasurable, what about making time? If you’re having trouble being intimate with your partner because of time try “time blocking” and scheduling tasks that relate to each other in “chunks”, for example: instead of going down the to-do list: check emails, start laundry, check Facebook, go to work, do dishes, reply to emails… (sound familiar? ;)) Schedule yourself in chunks: online time, work time, then household chore time. When you go back and forth between different types of tasks it keeps you from getting “on a roll”. Remember to set a timer for each chunk! Would you like more tips to making time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you?  CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

Again, CLICK HERE to subscribe!

Want to stay connected, check out my Facebook page: Pure Romance by Vanessa Bonham to get other extra fun stuff too! 😉

Poly isn’t for Everyone, 10 Tips for Reigniting Passion in your Monogamous Relationship

Being in a relationship for a long time can most certainly stir up different feelings. At times you might find yourself doubting your relationship and it’s future. Maybe you feel there’s no more passion or excitement and all that’s left are frustrations. You might even catch yourself fantasizing of another partner or partners, which by the way, is normal and quite healthy according to Ian Kerner a New York sex counselor and published author, but we’ll get to that later.

First, let’s be clear: Polyamory – the act of having multiple romantic relationships with consent of all those involved – has become more accepted and understood in recent times. When done well, poly amorous relationships have just as much success as monogamous relationships! They require trust, communication and commitment, just as monogamous relationships do, and can be a positive arrangement for all involved. Here is an EXCELLENT blog about what it is and what it’s not, I highly encourage you to check it out! 🙂 What is Polyamory and What Polyamory Isn’t

However It’s important to realize that “opening” a current, unhappy monogamous relationship is not a cure for relational problems, and in fact in can be a terminal diagnosis for an already weak relationship. I hear stories along these lines quite often, often enough for me to write this blog!

One particular story, a while back a gentlemen attempted to keep his marriage from falling apart. He said that his wife admitted to him she had become bored with their marriage as if she was falling out of love with him, so he decided in order to save it all they needed was to “spice things up.” His solution was to bring in his best friend to the relationship. Long story short, it didn’t save their marriage and he moved out a couple of months later.

There are many other ways to try to reignite the passion in your relationship, without bringing other people into the equation! Here are some tips:

  1. Date yourself. – Always be sure to take care of yourself first and stop feeling guilty about it! The most important thing you can do is make sure you de-stress, keep up on your hygiene, exercise, eat well, do things that make YOU feel pretty and sexy. There are so many opportunities for fun and intimacy, but when you’re feeling tired, bloated, in pain, etc you’re not going to take those opportunities. Plus taking care of yourself creates happiness overall; it sets you up to focus and be present in the moment and how your partner makes you feel.
  2. Get educated. – No you don’t have to go back to school or take a sexuality class online! I’m talking ask questions to your health care provider. There are a lot of things that affect our bodies and how excited we get with our partner. Read a book! I have a whole list of wonderful books! Some are funny some are serious jam-packed with information and some have a combination of the two! Check back because I’ll publish my list soon! 🙂
  3. Explore your body – Get to know your body, experiment with different erogenous zones on your body. As we age and experience different things our bodies change and so does our preference to different stimulation. What worked for you before might not work for you now. Try using a bedroom accessory to help with the exploration process. There are all kind of different types of bedroom accessories, so if you need help picking one out for you check out this guide: How to Choose the Best Vibrator for You
    You might even be comfortable exploring with your partner later on!
  4. Date your partner – I’m not talking about going out to dinner weekly to the same old place, the same old-time and the same bat channel! I’m talking about scheduling time with your partner so you can be intimate without the sex part. This is time to have fun with your partner! It doesn’t have to be at a restaurant, it could be you locking the bedroom door for 45min and you playing a card game on the bed! Here are a few ideas for some awesome Date Nights: 43 Date Night Ideas
  5. Communicate – Communication is the number one key in a long-term relationship that and touch! No matter how well you know your partner you are NOT a mind reader. Each individual thinks and perceives things differently and misunderstandings can lead to a lot of frustrations. If you need help check out your local couples counseling! Those are the experts to teach you ways to communicate with your partner!
  6. Try something new – There are so many fun and exciting new things to add to your relationship just between the two of you. You can merely have sex in a new and exciting place and time of day like meeting up at a hotel during lunch breaks, do something spontaneous like play hookie and head to the beach or lakeside for a couple of hours, role-playing, reading erotica novels together, exploring with bedroom accessories, bondage, etc…
  7. Fantasize – Women’s brains are the largest sex organ in our entire body, which means it must arrive first before the rest of the body is ready for any type of action; further even, stimulation and “turn-ons” are different for every single individual. What’s hot for you may not be hot for your partner, so being able to fantasize and focus on your own turn-ons, not only helps with the psychological aspect to sex, but can really create an amazing and thrilling moment between you and your partner. If you would like more information about fantasy check out Ian Kerner’s book: Come as You Are.
  8. Reflect – New relationships are so thrilling and fun! Think about those things, what were some things you did for your partner that they loved when you very first started dating? Can you recreate those experiences?
  9. Take a vacation alone – this has several benefits! Alone time can give you time to reflect and regenerate your own energy. Gives you time to do the self-care things, I mentioned earlier without the judgement of someone else. It also interrupts the routine, “wakes you up” in a sense and you start to become aware of the things you love most about your partner, the things that make you feel incomplete without them.
  10. See your partner at their highest – This is more of a psychology technique. If you are constantly frustrated with your partner or dreading being with them then try changing those thoughts. Make a list of everything you like and love about them and start paying attention to those things. In the morning say to yourself 3 new things you’re thankful for about them do this for at least 21 days and you’ll see a significant turn around!

 

Be happy; feel sexy!

Vanessa Bonham


P.S. If work, kids, life is getting in the way of being intimate with your partner try “time blocking” and scheduling tasks that relate to each other in “chunks”, for example: instead of going down the to-do list: check emails, start laundry, check Facebook, go to work, do dishes, reply to emails… (sound familiar? ;)) Schedule yourself in chunks: online time, work time, then household chore time. When you go back and forth between different types of tasks it keeps you from getting “on a roll”. Remember to set a timer for each chunk! Would you like more tips to making time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you?  CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

Again, CLICK HERE to subscribe!

Want to stay connected, check out my Facebook page: Pure Romance by Vanessa Bonham to get other extra fun stuff too! 😉

 

How to Talk to your Husband About Sex After Having a Baby

Its been about two months since having your baby. You’re covered in spit-up, you’re sleep deprived, your joints are still “loosy goosey,” your nipples are on the mend FINALLY (if you decided to breastfeed), you haven’t had a shower in two days. Quite frankly sex is the last thing on your mind, but you roll over and see that pleading look on your husband’s face. Your heart sinks because if you tell him no one more time, it’s going to blow up in your face like a time bomb. All you really want is to get some sleep; worst of all, he doesn’t seem to get why you wouldn’t want to, because after all it’s been 8 weeks and the doctor said its okay now…

Sound familar? Then you’ve come to the right place! 🙂 Talking to your husband about sex after having a baby doesn’t have to be awkward and can help him understand what’s going on with you, which in turn strengthens your relationship with him! 🙂

It is extremely important to know that what you’re experiencing is normal. Any time a women goes through a physical change such as pregnancy, especially when your hormone levels are messed with, your libido (aka sex drive) is affected. Most women have a decrease in desire for sex and it’s no wonder! You’re tired, you don’t feel sexy and you have new stresses to think about, women in general need a plethora of regimes-dependent on their body-to prepare for sex; let alone, after such a huge change!

So how do you tell him?

#1 Educate yourself. If when you read the above and thought, “What the heck? I didn’t know any of that!” It’s okay! Due to a lack of research for women, the information isn’t exactly abundant for us. Definitely talk to your physician about what’s going on, so you understand your body better and make sure it’s not an underlying health issue. Here are a couple books I recommend, Between the Sheets by Patty Brisben and One Hot Mama: The Guide to Getting Your Mind and Body Back After Baby by Erin Cox.

#2 Have the conversation outside of the bedroom. This is one of those conversations you don’t want to have when the moment sparks, because quite frankly it’s a BIG turn off which will probably spark resentment. This is a conversation you’re going to want to bring up when you have a few moments to talk.

#3 Educate him, but make it fun and light-hearted. Men are visual creatures and he’s probably noticing your body in a different way than you are, so when you approach the conversation refer to noticeable changes. For example: “So have you noticed my nipples have changed? Well, that’s because…” Then wrap it around to your low sex drive.

#4 Make sure that he knows you still think he’s attractive! Men care that they are capable of turning you on still and that they are satisfying you enough, so let him know that you still think he’s extremely sexy and it has nothing to do with his “skills”.

I had a baby almost 7 months ago and it took me an entire 6 months to realize my husband doesn’t see what’s going on with my body from my perspective (thank you captain obvious, right?! lol!), but because of that I almost dreaded being intimate with him. Then finally I had the conversation with him and it was almost as if the pressure had lifted. He also tries a lot harder to make sure I know he thinks I’m sexy still-he’s always been good at it, he’s just doing it better. So now when the time does come its much better timing and I don’t dread it any more! It then occurred to me, how many other new and veteran mothers feel like this and just don’t know how to talk to their partner?

Leave a comment below with what you did in this situation especially if you have any more tips or tell us about an epic fail! Because you know you can laugh it off now! I can’t wait to see all the different experiences!

 

Be happy, feel sexy!

Vanessa Bonham


P.S. If baby is really getting in the way of your sexy time with your partner, try “time blocking” and scheduling tasks that relate to each other in “chunks”, for example: instead of going down the to-do list: check emails, start laundry, check Facebook, go to work, do dishes, reply to emails… (sound familiar? ;)) Schedule yourself in chunks: online time, work time, then household chore time. When you go back and forth between different types of tasks it keeps you from getting “on a roll”. Remember to set a timer for each chunk! Would you like more tips to making time for sexy time because I have a lovely guide for you! CLICK HERE to subscribe and I’ll send you your very own guide to Making Time for Sexy Time!

 

Again, CLICK HERE to subscribe!

Want to stay connected, check out my Facebook page: Pure Romance by Vanessa Bonham to get other extra fun stuff too! 😉